Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
He's like the fucking Houdini of bras. Not only did I not feel him take it off I didn't find it until two days later.
He tricked me...the first song on his sex mix was trey songz but the rest were techno....i can't walk straight now
It's just like riding a horse. A very tall, gay horse.
Just hooked up on shake weight girl's dad's porsche. What are YOU doing with your life?
He was sitting at the table eating ice and said, "I'm pretty sure everyone in my family has nipples."
i just kept saying he was red & i was blue and we couldnt become purple. I started crying at one point
I literally just wielded a katana to save a child's life. What did you do today?
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
I have no idea. But that is beside the point bc in vegas I'm a pro vball player from Ireland and a veterinarian on the weekends
He said the first movie he ever jerked off to was Titanic because he knew "they were totally doing it in that car."
One public bathroom does not equal a wedding vow
I pay 3K a month for rent, yet last nite I broke into the back of my building, scaled over 2 tons of garbage in heels and took a dirty freight elevator to my floor just so my doorman wouldn't see how fucked up I was
U know ur prob on camera right?
Getting paid in weed to watch a pregnant adult with cooking skills is the TITS
My vagina! What have you done to it?
Blessed it my child.
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