I'm trying this new thing, it's called standards
I will be home in 10 min. Dont be beating off on the couch
enter at your own risk
Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
I ended up in a shower with 9 people and a bunch of unopened beer last night. I think I got peed on. Hands were everywhere. We sold the peed on beer to people knocking on the hotel room door.
Wow, now I'm sad I didn't go.
I'm sweating so much right now i look like Whitney Houston
Our whole friendship has just been time foreshadowing my dick in your mouth.
I want to do something romantic. Like gargle champagne before I put your dick in my mouth.
Is it uncouth to have a themed intervention? I know how much you like Star Wars.
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
We are winners. And by winners I mean home wrecking sluts
Isn't that what our 20s r for?? Testing the strength of other people's shitty relationships?
at one point he couldn't find his underwear so he put on my catsuit to go to the bathroom
So I had sex with a hook nosed, lisping masadonian last night.
Glad that degree in literature is paying off. Nice adjectives. Maybe set the bar a little higher though?
He started talking about getting a puppy together. So of course I went down on him later
its 2pm and were already starting beer pong...its gonna be a good night
How do I stop your cat from bathing me? I'm afraid she'll get drunk off my sweat
Randomize
