my mom just called and warned me someone is trying to serve me, i feel like i'm playing an extreme game of hide and go seek these next weeks
Just chased ups truck with a half wiped ass for you. You're making dinner tonight
You totally drew a penis wizard on my closet that says "I travel for cock rock"
She just kept tellin me God was coming back and he was leavin her with a bag of stale doritoes and shitty friends.
I got a handjob to the OC theme song. It was like going back in time 7 years.
there's a guy pushing a keg up the street in a shopping cart. you have to love graduation
Nothing says walk of shame better than a onesie and a 12 pack of corona..
No, no, we have to calibrate. What is the maximum amount of trouble we can get into without going to jail?
I was the only one at the party that didn't get their name taken by the police. I'm convinced that I'm the main character of Ferris Bueller's Drunken Adventures.
So fucking hammered. Is this all spelled right? I'm holding it up to my eye. I am on a boulder. I feel like an owl
Making a mobile stripper pole for the back of my truck memorial weekend. Is where dignity goes to die
I have six new people in my phone that I don't remember adding. One of them is "Bourbon Yeah." Successful evening?
No I don't want to see you. You're the reason that I'm going to need a new liver by the time I'm 30.
he pissed the bed, like I literally woke up and he was pissing right beside me. With the electric blanket he's lucky he didn't get electrocuted
If this adventure is going to get us arrested it'll have to wait until Wednesday so that I can bail myself out.
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