i find it a beautiful talent that i know how much pubic hair the girl in the next stall has just from the sound of her urine
you kept yelling something about watching the muppets chirstmas carol and trying to turn the t.v. on with your car keys
you may be an alcoholic when your drug dealer calls to yell at you for drinking too
NoDDING MY HEAD LIKE uyuEAH MOViUNG MY HiPS LioKe YEAhhhhhhhhhhh
wow.
A baby just go on our party bus. What. The. Fuck.
There was a photo of his face glued to a lifesize Kim Kardashian cutout. By the end of the night he was doing shots out of medicine cups and making everybody hug it goodbye.
Just saw two dudes run across the street carrying a mini keg and a scaled model of the empire state building. Missed this town
I told her I had the flu when in reality I did way too many drugs last night, haven't slept and don't want to sit through a 3 hour buisness meeting trying to figure out which voices are real and which are in my head
Just wrestled a cop. He won my shorts. I won my freedom. In fishnets and army boots. still headed to the party. would appreciate pants, but not necessary.
I'm seeing how long I can hold this wine in my mouth. I have so many adventures! I'm like Teddy Ruxpin!
my mom found me passed out in the kitchen floor with the Brita pitcher.. Happy Mothers Day
I think you were giving a sex seminar on your kitchen table last night.
The fuck-me-pumps were hot, the XL hoody kinda ruined it.
He also deemed that the fact that I couldn't log into Netflix was not an emergency. He's wrong.
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
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