he's chasing his jose cuervo with hot tub water
but his dog just died...ill send him an edible arrangement or a 6 pack or something
she asked me what the final straw was. i had to tell her i caught him jerking off to digimon porn. i don't know what i'm more upset by, that he was masturbating to cartoons, or that he was masturbating to sub-par cartoons
i wrote down the address for planned parenthood on the back of the receipt for the condom that broke
If it was designed to hold water, it was designer to hold wine
Can you tell me how this chicken finger got in my pillow case?
I really don't want to. I just don't know how to nicely say "dude I'm having a rough time in life right now and I just need to dress like a stripper cop, get shit faced, and have dirty crazy sex"
So high I started crying because I was proud of Snoop Dogg for becoming Snoop Lion
I haven't been sober in 4 days.
Then be sober
No.
The fact that you walked around talking like Barbie and still got laid amazes me.
unless you have a dick and you were thinking of chopping that off
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
Sarah is throwing up still and I'm eating salad with my fingers
You woke up in between the boxspring and the matress in a random dorm room.
Ummm so he didn't think I was serious about breaking up... Most awkward conversation ever
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