Those strippers last night smelled great. It was the perfect mixture of vanilla and daddy issues.
I'm going to community service drunk, and I'm still going to be the most normal person there.
Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
i don't remember it, but i know we had sex because my stuffed animals were facing the wall
he put a lighter in my cleavage and said "you're like another pocket!"
If I die I have 2 requests one a viking funeral prye and 2 I want you to take over my facebook and haunt the fuck out of everyone
Aw c'mon. You have to see if the spinning penis rumor is true.
Someone want to explain the bottle of ranch I found in my pants
If I come back tomorrow to find a certain football player tied up and locked in your closet, shit's gonna get real.
I'll set him free tomorrow morning ;)
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
These freshman guys were trying to holler at me from their window, and I realized about 20 minutes too late that the best possible reaction at that time would've been screaming "FLACCID PENIS". Oh, and I found this awesome zombie charm bracelet you would love.
Lmfao a voicemail screaming about you partying with your tits out and a text at 3 am saying you went too crazy... this should be a good one
I straight up told your dad I've slept with a majority of your family
Why were you naked on your bathroom floor?
It was a "get entirely naked to take a shit" kind of blackout I think.
Why is there a condom in my ukulele?
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