So Jesus turned water into wine. So what? I once turned a whole student loan into natty light. Your move holy man.
Theyr drawing diagrams to try to explain to me how high they are
Apparently I'm the guy that didn't get the memo that Afliction and wifebeaters were the proper attire for tonight... so I'll just sit here alone in my sweatervest and be judged.
At what point in time did you think it was ok to jizz in my hair while I slept??
Around the time you told me my brothers dick was bigger.
I found out that they tried to reenact the Snooki drop by using a jump rope and the banister. Pictures say it all.
Oh trust me, i am. It's like magic, but instead of rabbits and doves its orgasms- He just keeps pulling them out of nowhere.
Hey hey, in my defense we were just suppose to watch Disney movies from a blanket fort with beer and nachos. I was I suppose to know it would end in tears?
You stood outside his house all night throwing your sister's leftover Easter eggs and singing 'now you're just somebody that I used to blow'
You know your high, when your chugging applesauce out of the jar with no utensils.
Just stuck all that extra cocaine money we made in a savings account...like a responsible adult..
He fired me, I fucked his wife, we're even I think...
Is it weird that the girl I'm fucking just wished me luck on my date tonight?
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
You should have just fucked me in the bathroom when you had a chance!
Okay so my roommate deals some drugs so whenever he leaves we can hook up, be ready
I didn't know I was the on call booty call damn
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