The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
i kept saying "bloody hell" in a ron weasley accent until i forcibly told myself to shut up
this coming from the guy that still thinks "pulling out" is a good form of birth control? just walk away
It just sucks seeing everyone get flowers but me...
yeah, but they die. it takes a while, but they die. just like all of these kids relationships will. tequila doesnt die. its a live in the moment thing... like a valentines day one night stand. so long run, tequila is the better gift.
sellin beer in gallon jugs is both the best and worst idea ever. Im only gonna have one beer...but its gonna be 128 ounces.
Hands down the most disgusting picture message ever received. Thank you.
im here for your entertainment
You can't break up with me and ask me for a handjob on the same day. At least not in that order.
He pulled out, and the resulting cumstain on my sheets is in the shape of a fetus. The irony of this is both awesome and terrifying.
we are all four or five tequila-induced decisions away from shitting in a bucket, come get me please.
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
We didn't have sex because he locked himself in the bathroom and passed out while he was taking a shit. I cuddled with his cat.
If you've ever wanted to get filthy in a Catholic church before 2 on a Wednesday, I might be your guy.
It's brunch. If you find dick at brunch. You an A+ hoe.
i made out with his shirt. MDMA, man.
when i woke up w mysterious sticky crap in my hair, i assumed i had another blackout hookup. nope. turns out i made PBJ and proceeded to pass out in it. i ate the evidence when i woke up.
Randomize
