I'm done trying to be a vegetarian. My vagina smells like hummus.
Its so hard looking at my mom and pretending I'm not dying a slow death of binge drinking
Woke up in a wet suit with my junk cut out. In a strange apartment. Just found thing biggest bong u have ever seen. WHERE ARE YOU?!?!?!
stuck in a tree...bring a ladder. also my arm might be broken. no questions are allowed.
Having my alarm go off at 3:30 makes me wanna rip my dick off and shove it through my eye socket
Want to know what makes for a better story than treehouse sex? Getting busted during treehouse sex
The word cocktail makes me want to rip my liver out and nail it to a cross.
"Friendship bread", "how to get period stains out of cement", and "elephant bereavement" are all in my recent google history. Whatever shit that was last night really did me in...
In other news, I apparently ate my retainers while rolling last night.
Her next conquest seems to be stealing her ex-boyfriend's new girlfriend. Pretty sure everyone involved is totally OK with this.
Are you coming to class or was the dick pic this morning your way of saying not today?
It's disgusting. He breathes through his mouth and just sounds fat. Plus he chews all loud and shit.
I think if I send him enough nudes, he will buy my plane ticket.
Certain restrictions may apply. Common side effects of sex with me include unbridled joy, a healthy glow, soreness and the inability to walk for short to long amounts of time. If any of these side effects occur please consult your physician, so he/she can prescribe me a "high-five".
i woke up between my boyfriend and his sister and i don't know if we fucked or cried together
Randomize
