Whenever ur ready we need breakfast and a psychic.
Only in college do people pre-game a meteor shower
and I didnt even know his name until this morning when we were laying in bed and he referred to himself in the 3rd person.
I walked downstairs and there were 50 sorority girls. I wasn't expecting an audience during my walk of shame.
I just burped jalapeños and cum. That was the most disgusting thing ever.
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
How are you going to come here and fuck on our couch ? That's everyones couch
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
She said, I've heard about you, from girls you wouldn't even be interested in. What?
This popcorn tastes like salt and regret. It reminds me of the first blowjob I ever gave.
You've ruined popcorn for me.
Have I showed you the picture of my vagina with a little bang flag coming out of it?
Just get over here and light metaphorical fireworks in my literal vagina
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
There's a video of you almost falling asleep in a bar stool listening to Jimmy Buffett. Nekkid.
I'll bring spiced rum
I am not drinking that devil juice
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