have you ever been in a public bathroom and someone walked in, and you played "Fat or Crying" based on her breathing?
You were in my dream and you got the lyrics to lollipop tattooed on your chest. Don't get it, it wasnt that cool.
Totally just sport flirted the shit out of a girl on a wheelchair. I've done my good deed for the day.
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
I did too many shots and now a kitten is trying to eat my bagel.
that's how you measure success
By how bad my vagina hurts on a Tuesday morning while I'm trying to figure out how I got white girl wasted on a Monday?
When they send me to rehab, I'm screaming your name down the halls.
we found him passed out on the baseball field with two 40oz and wearing a tophat.
Where did he get the tophat?
We had sex on a lawn chair while fireworks were going off last night. It was unavoidable that I got mosquito bites all over my ass
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
So, I actually said the words "but face tattoos are sexy"
Yeah I don't think your wife thinks it's a good thing that you're fucking your cousin.
I told him he looked like my uncle.
Why would you say that in a bathtub?
She tried to fuck me right at the bar in front of everyone. She actually got my pants unzipped before I realized what was going on.
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