I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
I spent an hour trying to convert bar outfits to church outfits. Its hard.
Is it ironic that the girl with the horse face is also on the equestrian team?
Dude if our hands were ladels we could work at a soup kitchen
That would be so convenient
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Some random walked into our tent, woke her up and said "Harry Potter must not go back to Hogwarts!"
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
We put a ban on pants at an unusually early point in the night.
It's pretty telling that my resolutions all involve who I will sleep with in 2014.
It's important to play to your strengths.
My day went from bad to worse when I realized I puked out my second floor window last night.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I WOLD FCUK YUO INTOO THE MOON
THE MOOOOOOOON
He couldn't give me an orgasm, but he did give me a UTI.
I never truly understood the phrase ball is life until I started having to balance NBA finals and all these men with balls i'd like to handle.
You wanna know what I want to eat? Questionable Mexican food before I go drink. Makes for excitement. Will I puke it up or shit my pants
You know when you're a kid and you play at the pool until you passed out? It was like that except instead of playing it was sex.
Who brings a stripper to breakfast at the dining hall? What was the plan? Impress her with his meal plan?
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