Dear tim. Christina farted and it smells like kid roses.
i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
We just made mixed drinks in the bathroom of burger king. This is sad.
I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
Reindeer Drinking Games will soon commence. Get over here while we're still sober enough to answer the door.
ok watching intervention on tv. when i hit rock bottom - i wanna be THIS chick.
shes still asleep dad put a lobster in her bathroom
I'm not sure how exactly, but this funeral has turned into a ridiculous night of drinking games
I think my mom knows im high. It could be because im slow dancing with my cat in the kitchen. The dip and kiss is what gave it away.
I forgot that I thought it would be a good idea to hairspray my toilet seat last night after I took 12 shots of vodka so when I just went to pee, I stuck to the toilet. Never drinking again.
So I dropped $130 while buying shots for an army ranger, got my fake taken, almost went to jail, and came out of my black out when I was talking to the cops with a stolen detour sign in my hands.
I just messaged a senior at Harvard and told him to 'tinder me softly'
You ran down the alley towards a stranger screaming "you took my beer".... Then proceeded to run into a garage, fall down, and scream about how your shirt makes you look fat.
I left the party 20 min ago..just thought i would tell you so you wouldnt think i fell in the lake again
be the chaos you wish to see in the world...
i'm trying to figure out how to respond to that in text
Randomize
