I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
I think I won the penis lottery.
We made a percocet pizza. And then i made an unfortunate decision.
Yeah, the furnace guy just pulled out 4 empty and 1 full beer bottle from the vent. You are no longer allowed over.
Going to the hospital for stitches on my balls. Mom walked in on me manscaping with an electric razor. Tell NOBODY.
The AC broke so he ended up sleeping in the front yard and left his one night stand on the couch.
Just walked out of 7 11 still in uniform when 4 girls in bikinis in a convertable screamed "we fuck firefighters!"
Career choice validated
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
Gonna open a taco bell in colorado. Millions bro.
Do you think you could handle being our babysitter if we roofied ourselves for fun??
The world is a different place when I'm actually having sex
We just stood there eating chocolate chip pancakes, watching you sleep on the bathroom floor.
Know what I do when I'm in that mood? Whenever anyone talks to me I just hiss like a cat. They go away.
My dry spell starts kindergarten this fall...
They grow up so fast.
Instead of going to my moms birthday party I went over and gave him head. I should win non girlfriend of the year award
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