I'm going to community service drunk, and I'm still going to be the most normal person there.
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
Why do you have Season One of Reba in your underwear drawer?
Why are you in my underwear drawer?
just saw a girl come out of the tanning bed room on crutches, now thats determination
Buying $100 worth of beef jerkey sounded like a terrific idea last night.
is there a legit reason for the weird voicemail I got at 2:14am?all I could make out was 'help me' 'two hours' and 'toilet butt'. wtf did u drink.
just got home. some guy on my porch is tryin to show me his balls. no more parties at my apartment.
it's like my freshman wet dream come true
Any day that has a special name thats capitalized means you need to need to call in sick and get day drunk. That's why they are there.
So, when I got arrested, they fingerprinted me. I'm getting my nails done right now and I'm pretty sure he's filing off my prints. Worth the $30.
What's protocol when the 18 year old son of an anti-gay preacher sends you a message on Grindr during church?
I've now fucked in every motel room in this small town.
he was spending his time trying to use emojis to court a 19 year old, I can’t really take that seriously no matter how hot a dude is
Okay she just told me to turn the volume down on the fan. What does this even mean?
At least your wife cheated on you. Women will feel bad for you. In a month there will boy bands that are jealous of your dick
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