Of course we end up in a gay bar... And I have to tell you there are some hot dudes here, should I pass around your Facebook?
That chick was all over your bacon last night, grinding on you, I thought you were going to bang her in the club
Dude it was a lap dance
No, I'm a firm believer in "Swallow or it isn't love."
Just farted cum and thought I shit myself. Crisis averted tho
shes on the floor puking and texting simultaneously.
we all know badassery is carried on the XX chromosome
well at least you didnt have sex with him. i feel like a proud mother. you always have sex with them.
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
So my mom and I were talking about what I should get you for christmas. She made it clear I cannot get christmas lingerie.
I just wanted to share with you that my life has come to naked arts and crafts, to fix my flask, with a rum and coke in my hand... Good luck on your exam
As we're eating sushi she goes I just want to get a disease so my mom can take care of me... Great first date
Also, do you think i could get away with finishing my vodka cranberry from last night at work if i put orange juice in it? Serious question.
If I don't get to have sex with him soon my entire female reproductive system is gonna climb out of my body and choke me to death
Next guy I fuck must be a cowboy
This is the worst drive ever. Im hungry, hungover, i gotta shit so bad, and the only radio station im getting clearly is playing alvin and the chipmunks christmas songs
Randomize
