Do you think they could tell I was high on that conf call?
Random fact of the day: cum is a really good eye makeup remover
This could be one of the worst things i've done... The background of her phone is her and her boyfriend.
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
since when did our medecine drawer and our sex drawer become the same drawer? we now have lube covered cough drops.
Well, it's hard to say. Last night he puked a perfect circle around him on the floor, and then sat in it insisting it would protect him from the smoke monster. He's was still there last time I checked.
I'm going to pound you from behind over a table at the bar while I pull your hair and call you a whore...please pass along that message to Rob
Why are you surprised? I've only ever liked older guys since I was a 3 yr old crushing on her pediatrician.
I will kill you in such a brutal way if you ever de-pants me again on the dance floor it will make the stock market ticker
He just walked from his house to mine. Walked in and asked for a hug and then left.. And he's sober.
GET OVER HERE. HOTTIE ALERT
^^^This is why you should have charged your phone prior to going out.
Chipotle just hit me... I want to go sit in the corner of the shower and cry until morning.
Sex followed by chicken and waffles... Hands down my favorite morning plans. Count me in.
How am i even supposed to meet his daughter? "Hi, Claire, I hear we have so much in common, like we both love your Dad and also we're almost the same age."
I'm making a sandwich topless right now. Remind me again why I don't have a boyfriend?
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