it wouldnt have been so bad but she still had the cowboy hat on when my mom walked in
The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
It was like some kind of slut recycling operation. She gave me the shirt of the last guy she slept with in exchabge for mine so I didn't have to wear the same thing to work. She's been doing it for years
Is there a reason there's a dick print on my seventh-story window?
You've fucked so many I should get a word bank when you make me guess these things.
I'm going to sing sad and lonely Barbra Streisand songs at the top of my lungs if you don't get here soon
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
There was a trampoline and tequila. It was glorious.
I'm sorry for aggressively singing the Frasier theme song at you so many times last night.
I bought a vibrating wall dildo with my tax return. You?
I don't think tits should taste like fish.
Black magic does not go near my vagina, it's a rule
THIS IS NOT A LAUGHING MATTER, CAITLIN. MY PARENTS ARE FUCKING. LOUDLY.
I woke up and there was a tiny sombrero on my penis. Care to explain?
I’m good. I learned that a guy ate the mushrooms that were growing out of his toilet, so there’s that.
Randomize
