There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
I would do laundry with you but I vaguely remember swallowing all my quarters last night as some kind of trick.
I took us ten minutes to realize the shower sex going upstairs was the reason the kitchen ceiling was flooding.
She spilled some tequila on her hair somehow and I guess I felt bad for her, so I yelled "ROOMIES FOR LIFE" and dipped my hair in my tequila.
I need to stop getting in the car with my dad when im rolling balls. I think he's starting to notice my eyes aren't usually completely pupil
Noo.... Like in the attic of a crack house with nitrous and fat chicks weird....
I'm attracted to him because he looks like the kind of guy who would lick my asshole without me having to ask.
It takes a special kind of Adderall to make me go to the hardware store, buy paint, and paint tiny polka-dots on all four of my bedroom walls.
All I can think of is a mama duck followed by her baby ducks, in brightly colored track shoes.
How high are you?
SHUN THE NONBELIEVERS. THUS SAYS THE NIPPLE LORD
Officially crunch time. It's my last year of grad school and I've yet to get blown in a school library. The parking garage was less than a block away though.
I rammed pretzels and Jell-O shots down the throats of those I loved.
Have you ever hotboxed under your comforter? Best. Decision. Ever.
Your mankini haunted my dreams.
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
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