i'd like someone to explain to me why my clothes are all sticky. including my fanny pack. yes, this is a mass text.
There are thorn wounds on my balls, don't ever question my dedication to party again
My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
Change your flight to Denver. That's where my penis is.
i saw a stretcher and literally ran around for 10 minutes telling people it wasnt for me
And i didn't ask you to do that, You showed your penis at your own free will.
It's a gateway drink.... Starts with wine... Then I wake up in my car with mascara on my arms covered in french fries...
Ive only seen a dude masterbate on a train twice, once on the Jtrain and once on the Ftrain... trust me you never wanna see where the subway turns around.
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
Someday, but I will be heavily drugged and there will be no dolphins.
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
You 2012 self promised me that you would do LSD with me, and it's 2015 now. So.
Plus, I'm basically a doctor, so what could go wrong.
He started me on Celexa. I think I feel like Bjork. Is that normal?
Like... my feet feel like little octopuses, and they want to swim to the next room.
THIS IS WHAT CELL PHONES ARE FOR! So you can tell me that you're bringing your coworker who lives in the "Halleleuia community" home for a beer SO I'M NOT DRESSED IN LEATHER LINGERIE WHEN HE WALKS IN THE FUCKING DOOR!!
Your Saturday night was spent at the opera, mine was spent exchanging naked pics with a hot middle aged man that is so ripped that he looks like he's photoshopped. This is why we're blood sisters. We balance each other out.
I hate you so hard.
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