I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
It's hard to be above the influence when you are the influence.
A kid in my class brought a George Foreman and cooked food mid lecture. When the prof found out, all the kid did was ask if he wanted some.
There's never a time that i stay at this apartment that when i wake up in the morning and sit outside to smoke a cigarette that i don't feel ashamed of myself.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Walking down the street trying to find the pants I had on last night
God she is annoying. I am only keeping her around on fb because I want to see if her baby comes out looking like an alien or not.
I decided I'm going to give him a celebratory fuck for his accomplishments. Knocked on his door, handed him some condoms and said "I'll be over tonight with sex and booze"
I want to be you.
Also I've come to learn that "type" and "fetish" are different things. Apologies for earlier confusion.
I need to sanitize my soul.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
If you don't turn up on horseback dressed like a highwayman I am not having sex with you today
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
A dozen fresh-baked cookies delivered to my dorm AND I don't have chlamydia or gonorrhea... Could this night get any better??
Just got back to the apartment. Why os there now 14 identical toothbrushes in the bathroom and only the two of us live here?
Fuck him. He can bang that skeezer all he wants. Fuck her lawyerness I’m a YouTube star
can I CTRL ALT DELETE this universe
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