if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
I hate you, and I hope you have babies soon that you love very much. Then I will steal them and feed them to sharks, and you will be so heart broken that you never want to have any more kids and you'll just hide out in a dark room all day wondering how someone could feed another persons babies to sharks.
Nobody needs to come anywhere. Except on your face.
It's safe to say that our attempt at trying to fuck in the grand Sierra elevator was a bad idea.
my mom just left...time to break out that water bottle of wine that I sewed into my teddy bear
Oh god. It's like a broken faucet. My guts sound like a bilge pump clogged with golf balls and cake frosting.
pain. pain everywhere. this is why throwing yourself at concrete is a bad idea.
I will refer to it as the penis of glory... he fucked me for 3 and a half hours - and all he needed was a 5 minute power nap in the middle (which he took WHILE INSIDE ME). I plan on staying with him forever
State dependent memory. I just needed to feel my teeth. It was like a fog was lifted.
Cheez-its and a bottle of cab...for under $10 you could win this girls heart
There's a girl in class eating a pumpkin pie. Like a whole pie straight from the pan with a fork.
She's on her period. You don't know what fear is.
A fair warning: I don't think a cop will let you off the hook just because your birthday is on New Year's Eve
Nothing says "i love you" more than flowers and potatoes
...its technically supposed to be for the bridal shower but I think I can find an ensemble that says "im hopped up on x. Stick your tongue down my throat." As well as " im supporting your marriage to my brother"
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