Like worst hickies ever he always gives them like wtf
so i woke up to her 8 year old asking for a bowl of cereal...
I don't care if he is my ex... I have the deed to his dick until someone else fucks him. We broke up 2 years ago.... I am still holding that deed!
I DONT WANT TO PLUS I THINK I FLUSHED MY KEYS DOWN THE TOILET WHILE I WAS PEEING
Shoot me. Guy hitting on me with a beaver on his head. Says it is his spirit animal.
Dude, you face planted, there was no "bar fight".
Sudue. BIG CUP LOTS OF NOMNOMD TUOSPY
Our relationship is representative of a cognitive bias that leads to bad decision making and misplacement of resources. So should we pick up some whiskey tomorrow?
You go to bars with sophisticated older men, I steal lawn ornaments. Priorities
i was really hopeful that i could make it to the end of the semester without doing something stupid enough to destroy our relationship but i guess i was wrong..........thanks vodka
Would it be wildly inappropriate for me to tailgate a Jonas brothers concert?
You KNOW it was a good night when you find French fries AND taco remnants in your bra when you get home...
This is either the best idea i've ever had or the worst. stay tuned.
Puked in my purse on my Uber ride home last night. Safe to say it's not a good idea to beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
She looked like a cross between Jesus and John Lennon. So I fucked her. I feel majestic and powerful.
Randomize
