I had sex with billy mayes last night. HE KEPT IN CHARACTER THE WHOLE TIME.
New Jersey isn't a real state, it's just a myth you tell little kids to scare them like Canada or Carrot Top
I fucked him in the bathroom at Cedar Point. if it hadn't been for me already combining my two favorite things in the world the whole bathroom thing would have been a little disgusting.
How dare you send me a picture after midnight that isn't porn. You know the rules.
its taking every last moral i have not to steal this bike
you still have morals?
Well actually itd just be too hard to ride the bike with this large rake i just stole
Just got a event reminder on my phone to never party with you again.
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
First and foremost she's my friend, but she's also a mistake I make when I'm drunk
I think he's having people over to watch him get way too drunk again
Dude, those shrooms u gave me made me remember writing the bible. Fuckn awesome
I was trying to pee in the bushes and the person who lived in the house where the bushes were planted started knocking on the window to get me to stop peeing in their bushes
Nothing like being buzzed at 10:20am off wine shots in Amish country
I'd google it, but I don't really want my search history to say, "Name for masturbating on a flight."
and then at some point during the night I ended up holding a baby
Why was a baby at a karaoke bar, and were you wasted?
only slightly. thats not the point. it was a cute baby.
Well someone is clearly not winning the parent of the year award here
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
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