hanging on that rope, lady gaga looks exactly like a used tampon
all i know is that if they can hide that much blood in her outfit, they definitely could have hid a penis
Is it weird that I miss finding cum in my bed?
I just made a steamroller out of a christmas ornament. I feel so festive.
It is too early in this hangover to be seeing some guys ass crack.
I just tried to eat one of my ear plugs, thinking it was a cheese curl. I need it to be break RIGHT NOW.
Holy walk of shame. Fuck someone's house. I walked past a family eating their free continental breakfast wearing yesterday's makeup
That girl is nothing but trouble. She's 40% red hair and 60% daddy issues.
Consider it an appointment to improve my blow job capabilities.
So apparently someone caught him as he was falling. And carried him around the rest of the night.
why does drunk me think that doing things like throwing up on my desk and all over my 15 page lab report is okay
He also ordered me a vibrator last week, so the flowers kind of balance it out
I just saw a cat, if i ate those mushrooms 15 minutes earlier i wouldn't have made it to the bar
We are literally scheduling phone sex... if that's not long distance af then i don't know what is
Tonight is an "I'm lonely and single so I'm going to curl up in a warm, melatonin and vodka enriched ball in the corner of my bed with a cat." kind of night.
If the amount of time the owner spent looking at my tits is any indication, I’d say I can probably sleep my way to the top
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