I didn't know it was possible to throw up mid-sneeze.
Thank God for cruise control and the Starbucks cup I had to puke in.
Acid flashbacks - fact or fiction? Have been seeing a surprising amount of sparkly shit this afternoon...
The polaroid of me taking a test-tube of Jegar out of the gay guys mouth pretty much explains my trip to Spain.
I threw all my money on the ground and said it was for homeless people and fell down the stairs
Have u seen my thong? Last time i saw it was drenched in vodka and on his brothers broken lamp.
Nah but tell him his boxers made it to the basement
the last time I drank tequila I ended up riding your skateboard nude down the street... so yeah, I'll have a few shots.
To drink from my fkask next to a cop car or to not drink from my flask next to a cop car
Definitely broke my toe and messed up my knee walking back. Drink hitch hiking should never happen again.
I love how four vibrators are within reach of me right now, but not a single hair brush or comb
For a man with no legs he was surprisingly good at doggy style.
I don't know whether to high-five you or stage an intervention.
we are eating waffles in the pillow fort. Still think you're too straight for a threesome?
I'll be right over.
.... I'm on a random couch somewhere in Newark wrapped in a Lightning McQueen blanket
I AM OFFICIALLY LICENSED TO BE A LESBIAN
I prefer to think of hangovers as extreme sobriety, which can only be cured by more booze
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