my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
he was in the bathroom singing "will it floooaaat?? will it floooaaat?!" turns out that's a deal breaker for me.
I literally sat down and peed with my underwear still on. How does that happen?
Good thing you didnt wake up last night. Wouldve found me naked talking to my closet asking to borrow my towel.
We just did a shot to "getting laid in the bar bathroom". I love where this thursday is headed
they wouldn't let me take the pitcher of beer on the ferris wheel
your love of good penises attached to ugly faces is disgusting and slightly disturbing.
As an added bonus, you will have a "25 blowjobs a month" voucher, expiring thirty days after the first initial bj.
I lied. Can't workout today. Only exercises I'm currently capable of doing are breathing ones to keep last night's drinks ending up all over the classroom.
We are 100% horrible people, and im extremely happy we are friends
It's like you know you got fucjed up when you wake up and check fir your own pulse
Maybe I'm not hungover. Maybe I'm actually dying.
I just got offered free tattoos if I smuggle some guns from OKC to Dallas for a guy in the hells angels
I know. I know. He'll be weekday dick.
How was I supposed to know the accent was fake before i slept with him
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