I am scared. I picture you doing a keg stand on a sinking ship with hula girls cheering you on. Please text me when you get back to shore...or now would be good
Heads up. We filled your kiddie pool with kool-aid and vodka. Things are about to get Out. Of. Hand. Quickly.
My sister got her picture in the pub crawl section of the paper today and my dad said to me "why can't you be more like her?"
security doesn't like it when we pee on cars. or maybe just not theirs?
We've gotten 3 pitchers already by trading for CUPCAKES
I think my vagina is phsycic. All day it tingled and then BAM Channing Tatums look alike fucks me like ive never been fucked in my life.
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
Hey where the fuck is the rest of my beer? Lets start this day off right
Does it get any better than dating a guy with a vasectomy? The answer is NO. No it does not
My roommate just google searched "cumming blood" using my laptop. Her boyfriend is in her room, she looks scared. Words cannot explain how hilarious this is.
How have you been? I haven’t talked to you since you dyed your pubes.
You came in, yelled 'i am from the future' then puked all over the floor
You tried to pick a fight with a polka band saying that you'd wrap the accordion around their throats
I have beer and butt plugs...pretty sure I will find a way to entertain myself while I wait
What conversation warrents "penis" in rainbow comic sans
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