I just saw a hot homeless man
Let's start a violent farting gang. We can do walkbys.
Just had perfomance review. I was told the best example of my integrity was when I told my boss I was going to fail the random drug test due to my weekend coke binge. She said that took a lot of character.
They're making scrambled eggs at 2 in the morning... with rum
I woke up this morning with my hair wrecked, a split lip, and an "H" on my right knee and a "I!" on my other knee.
FACT: the parking lot attendant was yelling "NO SEX HERE! NO SEX" at yall.
If it's any consolation, I've been sitting in the hallway in assless chaps for the past thirty minutes
It doesn't matter how many times you look in your purse, Your keys are not going to be there. Maybe you left them at the bar.
Maybe they fell out of my pocket last night when I rolled down the hill.
Rosemary is literally sitting on the ground holding on to the rug because she thinks she is going to fall if she lets go. We smoked way too much.
Drinking, I should not. Got here I don't know. Still drunk, I am. At courtneys.
When he wears his hair down and sandals, he looks like Jesus. A Jesus I would fuck.
That's not what Jesus is for
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
Yeah that's a good idea.. I like to be responsible when I trip my nuts off
If you come home to me in lingerie and you start vacuuming...I need to reevaluate my priorities
And on the 323rd day without sex, God finally said let there be light...or love?
Randomize
