My girlfriend figured out who you are.
I think we should urban dictionary "drive of shame." It involves a sprint to your car in his underwear and shirt, surreptitiously trying to put on your bra on at stoplights without attracting attention from neighboring cars, and lurking in your car a block from home so you can know when your roommate leaves for work.
the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
I'm so high I used the top vent on my dashboard to heat up a cheeseburger
its like she was born with a silver dick in her mouth
this boner is fucking legendary. i should name it and celebrate its birthday every year
Based on how hungover I feel today, it makes more sense that the bouncer didn't let me in to that bar.
Watching Argentina vs Germany during a wedding on an iPhone. Thank you Steve Jobs.
ok, just found out the kid i had random sex with in April was on wheel of fortune so i can really no longer say i regret that night
I'm drunk on a monday night. Not a good start to finals week
I wish there were birth control emojis
I can't keep up with all the guys you're banging. I'm just going to start referring to them by city of origin.
Somehow he made it really romantic
He came on your tits... That doesn't scream romance to me.
Hatred of squirrels is the least of my hereditary problems.
If you come home to me in lingerie and you start vacuuming...I need to reevaluate my priorities
Randomize
