If you get a breast reduction, you have to let me see them before hand at least once. It's a rule.
Ever got a vibrator stuck in ur hair? Is worse that getting ur hairbrush stuck.
...well that sucks.
Hah, I lost the lenses in my glasses, didn't event notice til this morning... How was the meeting?
Ever have those mornings where you just can't wait to puke in the shower?
Im about to embark on a date with someone who shit in my car. How did this become my life?
you cant ever make fun of my bong's stick on moustache again. its the reason the cop let me keep it and my weed.
I just burped jalapeños and cum. That was the most disgusting thing ever.
You have no idea what this goes for my ego. I literally made you cum in your sleep.
Did you high five my face last night?
Yes. Yes I did.
That hot shower felt like it washed away all of my problems... Except being pregnant... Ps just found out I'm pregnant. Fuck.
Good god you suck at this wake up call. Seriously. If I can, after consuming enough vodka to subdue a russian soldier, muster up enough motivation to call you in the morning and send you naked pictures the least you could do is pick up.
Unless he's under 18, in which case you put him back where you found him this instant.
My cat just tried to lay on my stomach while I was masturbating. And I let her because I am so starved for affection.
This bowl is so big, I just said out loud, "I'm going to die here" as I blew smoke out the cat door. Merry fucking Christmas.
It's 5am and I come home to you naked on the kitchen table and 3 people I never saw before fucking on the back porch ... and my weed gummy worms are gone. fuck you I'm taking your mom's offer
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