Had sex with the ex last night. Regretting to begin in 5, 4, 3, 2, 1... WHYYYYYYYYYY!
dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
i need you to recap everything for me beyond "i think i'm gonna try vodka-pong"
She used my dick as a microphone to sing "any way you want it" I'm in love.
I get a nice feeling when i open my fridge and see it filled with thirty beers and half a leftover jimmy johns pickle.
Eventually the creepy theater major quirks will come out. Probably in bed. Like role playing as the Phantom of the Opera
You left me with no money to have random Chicago sex. The least you can do is pick me up an egg mcmuffin on your walk of shame back to the hotel.
I found an HIV test/information brochure on the kitchen table and what i can only assume to be an "I'm sorry you might have AIDS" gift bag, complete with a candle and popcorn, and I haven't seen you in 36 hours. You good?
She was wasted talking to my dad about the hunger games than she passed out in the shower and flooded the hotel room...
Everything was cool till you started pissing while standing at the bar
I just sent a bad sext to my sister. There's not even a way to damage control this, is there?
It was going very smoothly until she noticed my boner of hope.
Just so were clear your wife is cut off from my dick.
Well I want to be mistreated and called a slut and finger banged
But I guess hugs would be nice
Where is everybody?
It's pretty much split between the strip club and jail.
Randomize
