Girl just texted me a pic of her boobs with the caption "don't think I'm a whore"
two words: fractured penis. two more: emergency room.
and now I know what throwing up pineapple chunks is like.
Yeah, we had those soaking in vodka for like 36 hours
outstanding.
last night i found out that about 5 of my friends audio recorded us having sex through the bedroom door, then auto tuned it in the tpain app on his iphone.
Level of drunkenness: just now when I sat down on the toilet, I had to double check to make sure I wasn't sitting on somebody's lap.
Stole every fake plant from the lobby and placed it in front of you're apartment door, Enjoy!
I'm so disappointed in myself I can actually taste it.
Does it taste like semen?
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
This Halloween will be different. I'm just here to get shitfaced, not troll around looking for slutty nun pussy.
My mom just gave me my fake back to buy her more wine.
After I came she just held my balls until I fell asleep. It was like adult swaddling. Magical...
Ohh I see how it works, eat pussy and I get Reese's pieces.
We'd like to invite you to our threesome! Lingerie is encouraged and drinks will be provided. Next Friday, roommate night, my bedroom. Hope to see you there!
Straight up last night my mom was like josh you need to find a job that doesn't include the selling or transporting of drugs
Just got my LSAT score...if you need me I'll be drunk in a ditch somewhere.
Randomize
