you can't spend the night you always smell like dirty underwear and my roommates complain
my lips still taste like vagina
so you liked breakfast?
ehh, still wish we woulda went to IHOP instead
I think I have a pornographic memory.
Don't you mean photographic?
No.
The cop refused to sing with us, even though he was as happy as we were that the tow truck finally showed up.
drunk tastebuds have low standards.
He keeps asking me for girl advice, i told him im an expert at getting drunk, not girls
so according the 72 facebook statuses i put up last night that i don't recall, i would say it was a success. how about you?
I posted my balls on ericas instagram. It got 17 likes.
I didn't ask for a picture of your soft dick.
Do you know how to give stiches?
I do not...this text concerns me
The girl in the stall next to me is puking her brains out, I'd say she had just a good a weekend as us
I gave her some alkaseltzer ad she looked at me lke I was god
I have the starring role in a literal shit show.
It's gotten to a point that when guys say "I'm gonna cum" I've developed a habit of responding "dooo itttt" in a deep voice. #isthatweird
he invited me over. we listened to jazz, smoked weed, then cerebrally fucked each other over a three hour game of chess
Is it sad that the most attractive guy I've come across in a week that's not my professor is the man doing my pedicure?
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