I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
I DON'T KNOW WHERE WE ARE WE ARE TOO FUCKING ELEVATED.
Me either! Fuck yeah, 12th and something. 12th and hamburger stand.
Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
sorry for the blank pocket text. My penis obviously has nothing to say to you.
I made out with Jen. We were naked. I'm still gay. Forever
ripping the fire alarm off the wall probably seemed like a better idea last night than it really was.
I almost died today via plastic wrap. I AM THE REASON THEY PUT WARNING LABELS ON THINGS.
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
What's protocol when the 18 year old son of an anti-gay preacher sends you a message on Grindr during church?
I think Jabba the Hut is dying in the stall next to me.
My trash can accurately represents my weekend: Bojangles wrappers and magnums.
He was the highest I've ever seen. Almost had him convinced there are only three colors in the rainbow...
Instead of asking him how many women he's slept with I just got straight to the point and asked how many Plan B pills he's purchased
Dude I'm drinking alone and watching cartoons. How is it that someone as hot as me is doing this.
Randomize
