Look at my ENTIRE past
Highly public sexual behavior gross mismanagement of funds socially unaccpetable and radical speech and thought
Might as well have a blog about it at this point
it was terrible. i could've done a better job by myself.
You don't have to be drunk! I've licked your asshole before
picked up a girl by parallel parking. i love this town already.
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
Let me just inform you of my purse contents right now. Three cum rags, a sock full of cum, xanax, and a fake moustache. This is my life.
He said he was trying to live vicariously through me. I didn't have the heart to tell him that meant he was vicariously fucking his best friend.
your vagina must have magic restorative powers I feel rested and powerful this morning.
His dick is as big as my 7" heels... Awkwardness is forgotten.
Yeah started playing at the wedding last night, when the line. "Ludacris fills cups like DD" he starts pointing at my tits right in front of his grandparents.
I got my period today and I cried tears of joy. And then just cried because my cramps are actually killing me from the inside out.
I AM A GOOD PERSON AND THEREFORE I DESERVE QUALITY DICK!
On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?
We had sex on a couch that was held together by Velcro. Want to know an unsexy sound? Velcro ripping apart under your bare ass.
i buy too many watermelons when I'm drunk
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