mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
Yeah. I woke up naked in his bed this morning and remember saying "Get a condom cuz I can't afford an abortion right now" last night. He didn't run. He's a keeper
when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
You better drive. If I decide to let them talk me into a 3-way, I don't want you to be stranded.
There r osticjed everywhere
Food Network. Taking bong rips everytime we want to eat. BOBBY FLAY.
A small child is toddling around the store, holding a coloring book and a shot glass. Thinking of you.
Someone just knocked jenga into a plate of cake. I'm licking off each piece one by one.
Dilemas of the modern woman: deciding whether or not to write on your ex's wall for his birthday. This is serious.
I have to remind myself to breathe. That hungover.
Please don't tell me that blonde guys name is Matthew I won't be able to fuck a guy with my brothers name
Her vagina is like the upper echelon of Scientology and I don't have enough money to get in
He isn't understanding any of my Fetty Wap references. He may not be a keeper after all.
Somehow my family started talking about sex toys at breakfast.
His penis is the only thing worth pursuing but all the baggage attached isn't.
Randomize
