For a day that started with shitting my pants, things turned out fairly well.
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
I drew a venn diagram at the top of my final comparing stuff i know and stuff on the test.
my mom found me this morning spread out like jesus sleeping on the living room floor. i had a piece of bread over my eyes to block the light out
Even my Russian and Serbian roommates think I drink to much.
I just feel as thought we should spend the day in which we celebrate relationships the same as how we started them. Drunken hook ups.
mid blow job she looked up and said "we aren't even facebook friends!"
A shower wasnt enough to wash off the shame but at least it took care off the blood.
We need to put it on a rope attached to the bong, so it can't be dropped. Apparently, you need a stem safety leash.
He's like a fucking cake pop, the greatest thing in the world while it lasts, but it never lasts for long enough
Why is my car covered in what appears to be salsa verde?
Yeah. I'm so over work, that I'm not even satisfied pretending to work anymore. I just flat out want to go home. Fuck this job
He said I was so drunk and high that I had a conversation w/ his goldfish. The video shows me clearly conversing as if talking to a person w/ pauses in conversation and everything
As long as there is beach, drink, dick, in that order. I’m in.
Why did I wake up with a skeleton in my bed? Is it from the lab?
Oh crap, that's where it ended up. Yeah, don't ask.
Randomize
