so later when i'm crying over him remind me that he once called his penis "senor weeper"
Is there a zoo near here? I need to see some penguins like right now..
I am not bailing you of of jail
You know who really doesn't like surpise in-your-face air guitar solos? Strangers.
I'll have to explain it to you tonight when i call drunk. It will sound better
someone just laughed at me while i'm laying on the floor waiting for the bus. like they've never been hungover.
I'm like the kid who wants his birthday and christmas equally. Every time I get one I want the other. Only I don't want holidays I want brothers
He acted like he was sleep fucking because I woke up to him screwing me in the middle of the night and he had is eyes closed and was mumbling things the whole time and wouldn't respond to me.
Is that even possible?
I called him by the wrong name to test him and he instantly stopped, rolled over and acted like he was still sleeping...I think he might break up with me tomorrow.
All I remember is passing out with an umbrella over my head and waking up screaming bad luck for seven years
WHEN DO I FOLLOW THESE PEOPLE. I WOKE UP THIS MORNING &FOUND TWEETS FROM ILLUMINATI AND "hot shot 6th grader"
Figured out how I got so much alcohol in my hair: tried to drink my drink using my cleavage as a cup holder. Missed my drink hole and got it all in my hair
You missed the winter stoner olympics last night....I got the gold in blunt rolling
You're an independent woman who is defined by her own actions and not by whether or not you have a man. You also have great tits.
you know you're a stoner girl when you get a callus from your grinder
I just had a dream that I was fighting Donald Trump... Gotta stop watching the news before bed
I’m going to fail his daughter so she stays in my class and I can keep fucking him. BEST. ORGASMS. EVER.
Then you can teach the kid to be a home wrecker
Randomize
