I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
Do the low cut shirt test. If he stares at your tits even in front of your brother, he's down.
Hopefully. Play it cool. Bust out a few jokes. Chew with your mouth closed and show your boobs.
slowly transforming into a stationary lump of steel. how can you tell me that was JUST weed
Yeah...I know. It's cute I think...I mean cute in a weird like hey I kinda took you home from the bar one night, maybe criticized your penis, and fucked your brains out...kinda sorta way
When you see a guy in a wheelchair try to be cool and pop a wheelie, and then fall over backward and hit his head, is it funny or sad?
Reached a new low last night. Passed out. With my pants down. On the toilet. At ihop. Waitress had to wake me up.
thanks again for a nice night (and please don't fuck my boss)
YOU BETTER NOT BE SHAVING YOUR LEGS RIGHT NOW IM TRYING TO HELP YOU
Liquor has joined the party. Aly just fucking yelled "I LOVE COOKING" and poured margarita mixer, ice and tequila into the blender.
you tried to drunkinly do the backflip kick off of karate kid and broke the big screen
I kept screaming at his rabbit: "IT'S OKAY, YOU CAN HAVE SOME TRIX. FUCK THOSE SELFISH BITCHES."
Just got an email from match.com trying to match me with My ex..I nearly pissed myself laughing
I just ran into my psychology professor at Planned Parenthood she asked why I was there and I asked why she was there and it turns out we both had a scare.#bonding because of abortion.
Randomize
