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Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
let's skip the party, and just play drunken wii, again. its time to give my vag a break.
you rubbed the head of my dick and said "I shall call you Squishy and you shall be mine and you shall be my Squishy."
Did you get drunk last night? You put Christian lyrics as your fb status again.
You may see me on espn tomorrow drunk, half naked, and selling articles of clothing to rich cougars like i did last year, but i will NOT be drinking shitty beer
I'm sitting on the patient chair, waiting for my vagina to be violated & "i don't want to miss a thing" has been playing on repeat. WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME.
He asked me if we could throw a lingerie party together so I guess he's single again
Just got a nosebleed, my period and the runs all at the same time. I'm either dying, or this is the first sign of the apocalypse. You warning you in case it's the latter.
Nothings harder than putting on a frozen condom.. or should I say softer
I woke up at 4am on the floor covered in olive oil and fire extinguisher powder but all I wanted to know was where the rest of my booze was at.
Do you ever get high and look at your cat and feel like you know them on an intellectual level?
He didn't have much of a personality. But I had like 100 orgasms, so that's cool.
I hope Trump leaves Planned Parenthood alone for at least another month. The week got away from me. #whorelando
The coast is clear - also, would it bother you if I chose not to wear pants?
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