This guy told us that for a dollar and two cigarettes he'd let Megan stomp on his crotch. We were gonna refuse, but we figured someone had to keep him from passing his stupid genes along.
I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
Midnight walks are trippy
I tried to do that earlier, but I was alone and scared, so I stole a happy Birthday balloon.
I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
Putting a breathalyzer in a bar is a horrible idea. But I won
Thanks for letting me use your ID, there's $120 along with your ID in the mail to cover the Urinating in public fine I got last night....sorry
Congratulations on your lack of fetus.
Remember that whole "don't let me drink" thing? We should really start sticking to that.
I was totally pumped and so was my beard
Yeah ok. We can maid of honor each other since you don't like my boobs enough to lesbian marry me
I rewarded myself with Taco Bell tonight for going a full week without punching my roommates in the face or wishing bodily harm on them.
extra points if i make kids and or the elderly cry
The air tonight was full of shame when we saw each other.
Well if u wouldn't have had sex on the front porch last night I think that could have been avoided.
is it sad that a disney movie is making me horny?
Haha word. Sure I can do that. Help me find which bar has my pants and you'll get free tacos all week
Randomize
