Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
dude why did you let me call her?!
i told you it was a bad idea and to quote you exactly, you said "no, it's a good idea..that's what people do when they love each other." you met her 15 minutes prior to that conversation...
just took batteries out of my vibrator to play wii guitar hero. think i am gonna regret that move later tonight.
I feel like I'm back in highscool trying to hide my erections at work
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
that beer fried lasagna last night was sooo good
that wasnt beer fried lasagna, you just poured beer on my lasagna
As your attorney I advise you to rage rapidly
We were so hungover we fell asleep in Goodyear waiting for them to fix her car. At 4 in the afternoon on a Sunday. The workers apparently didnt want to vacuum because they didn't want to wake us.
Nothing better than going to Mass on Easter Sunday with "I love penis" henna tattooed across your back. Love your Indian culture.
I got a 5/5 with my "I don't want a baby" rant essay. She said my use of the word "leeches" was a powerful metaphor :)
I just scored a new eye doctor and a date all in one email. BOOM!
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
Ugh... The hoe gods giveth and the hoe gods taketh away.
I took out a life ins. policy Thursday. It's okay I can die in Nashville now.
I wasn't talking about him I meant his penis! Its not a pet
Oh. Well it should be. I like petting it.
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