i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
Should you consider yourself out of control when everyone at the party is cheering you on while you're puking, and on the last heave you act like you're rolling dice right before the finale???
I just pull a splinter from the head of my penis. It was a rough night.
Not sure how I feel about St Psts and March Madness being on the same weekend. I feel like I've been screwed out of a drunk holiday.
Trumps. I've been wiping my ass with fast food napkins for 3 days.
He came over to use the microwave, said he needed to heat up some urine.
I just remembered you throwing bread at me and getting me to drink water out of a heineken bottle. You are my best friend.
You're just a heartbreaker with a knitting problem
They forgot my ranch. They're dead to me.
Well I just had a flashback of something I did in the 4th grade. Now I can't go back to sleep.
I went looking for them and I pulled my pants down and peed on the lawn. I found my phone in the same spot in the morning.
they call themselves the foursome.. thats def means they're up for one right?
Apparently last night I was doing back bends for the guy making my easy mac because clearly it wasn't easy enough for me.
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