So my mom just called me into her room and showed me a condom wrapper she found in my room. "Oh that's from when I was like 16." I don't think that was very comforting.
the date was going great.. until he pulled down his pants and asked if there was any hair in between his cheeks.
I'm not sure where but someone shit somewhere in the house
drunk...on the white house tour...security is staring. this will not end well.
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
I found out that they tried to reenact the Snooki drop by using a jump rope and the banister. Pictures say it all.
I thanked her dad for "firing off a good one" when she was conceived. She said thats why he doesnt like me.
rolling absolute tits, turn on the red lights for when i get home.
She told me she was eating frosting, then I got the weirdest boner ever
If I get laid dressed as one of the McPoyle twins, I deserve all the medals.
It must have been good head...he put down the Xbox controller
bonging vodka is the same level of "good idea" as eating machetes
the universe is starting to freak me out.. ive now had sex with 3 people who were born on the same day..
If he has a beard, chances are, that’s an open invitation to sit on his face
he invited me over. we listened to jazz, smoked weed, then cerebrally fucked each other over a three hour game of chess
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