You asked the dj to play 'who let the dogs out" because it was your birthday. You left the bar and then re-entered to the song
Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.
This guy just showed us his webbed feet to prove that his son was actually his son
It got a little outta hand when you wanted to do body shots on the table.. at Dennys.. at 4 AM.. with lemonade
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You pulled me aside and handed me a plastic childrens' tea cup full of 151 and said "trust me its a great idea"
I'm so sick
I would imagine. You did most of your drinking for brazil last night.
That and I think I got food poisoning from sharing nachos with that homeless guy..
What's up with the fire hydrant in the laundry room?
Honestly I will go to church for him, I will even try to quit smoking for him. But his dick is not worth losing alcohol. He sure as fuck isn't taking away our wine nights.
I would totes reciprocate the nip pic, but I'm sick with a piece of tissue shoved up one of my nostrils and I'm just not feeling that ambitious. Sorry.
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I just have to point out that once I typed "fa" my phone filled in "fatass"
Like who needs a job and family when you can get drunk for free with strippers?
I went to a party last night....I stole all of their ornaments and the toaster oven.
He passed out before we could have sex. I had no choice but to use his boner to hold my onion rings.
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
Just saw the cop you hooked up with over break. He’s def hotter in uniform.
Tell him to stop shaving his pubes. #Notmyjam
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