I just had to sit down with an 11 year old who threatened to dick slap a girl.
Please tell me how I woke up out in the middle of nowhere wearing nothing but a hard hat and a man thong?
Don't get me started, it sucks when the one thing you have in common with a girl is not wanting penis inside you.
its simple. when his lips are on my clitoris i want to marry him. when they are speaking i want to kill him.
He asked if I wanted to "hang out"
A verb which here means "do lines off my dick"
First and foremost she's my friend, but she's also a mistake I make when I'm drunk
I just duct taped myself into my costume. I apologize in advance if you find me in a compromised position involving duct tape and underwear when you get home tonight
Apparently getting drunk at a philanthropy event and tweeting about it is "frowned up"
I woke up this morning with a pop tart under my pillow with one bite eaten. Another pop tart was in the floor. No recollection whatsoever. I ate the one under my pillow for breakfast, though.
I apologize for being mean. I love the blender and your vagina.
he was making out with her against the stove and started a fire--the thirst literally almost burned the place down!!
I feel as though my head has drastically changed shape
Fuck you. You were a total asshole last night.
We will get to that, but can anybody tell me whose fucking socks I am wearing?!
She was on top, but I lost her at "alright, you look like predator."
Three cans of beer can fit in the shower catty... multi tasking
Randomize
