then he goes, "ok, i have to go talk to the girl i'm semi-talking to/dating and see if i'm in trouble" WHAT IS MY LIFE?!
I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
I have shoes on. No pants. And my jacket pockets are full of ketchup and grass. Yes. Good night.
I love how kegs are figured into our monthly bills
I'm gonna sleep with her just to prove to my roomate that shes a slut and he's wasting his time
Dude, you need to come clean your dates vomit off the ceiling. What in the hell were you guys doing?!
Sounds good! I plan on writing a book entitled: I've Probably Done Cocaine In Your Bathroom. A tell-all by Lauren.
my mouth is as dry as a post-menopausal camel on antidepressant's vagina.
I got us a lift home. Payment may require me giving road head, are you cool just chilling in the back seat pretending to be oblivious to this happening?
Just got a 200 dollar safe, two jars, and a 500 pack of rubber bands.. This doesn't SCREAM drug dealer does it?
...you should fill the cart some more
I curse you to think about Guy Fieri whenever you have sex with your lady.
Sooooooo this guy just asked me if I'd be interested in a threesome... I'm considering bc I would get to hang out with his dog afterwards.
You drunkenly told one of the campus security guards that you liked his headset. In return he introduced himself, lit your cig, and told us that if anyone was giving us shit to call and ask for him... Best campus security ever.
Tomorrow has nothing to do with the threesome
I am the one with the vagina. I get to call it.
I just don’t understand what sort of USPS worker wants to take my unitard and sex toys.
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