He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
Always fun waking up to 911 as your last dialed call.
You tried to tell her that the salad was an afrodisiac then proceeded to stroke yourself with the feather duster
you force-fed me gummy vitamins while screaming "I JUST WANT YOU TO BE HEALTHY" i have never been so terrified in my life.
She just broke down showed up grabbed a beer said fuck it pulled off her fake eyelashes looked at my roommate and said we need to break up you're a nice guy and I'm a whore
Dude you were so high some kid was kicking the wall and you were convinced it was your heartbeat
we drunk the bar out of liquor so the guy was selling us bottles of wine for $2a each. Only good thing to come outta this flood
It was more like a tour de entire bottle of wine in 14 minutes
Dude you went around coming up behind people and whispering in their ears. I dont know what you said but they looked terrified when you left.
I tried to find the bar, ended up at a car dealership. Then the alarms went off.
This is my college life. Rolling at 4PM on a Wednesday to skrillex in the parking lot of a mexican restaurant.
Thanks to a bad fart decision during a production meeting, I am now on my way to Target to buy new pants. How is your day?
I should've left when he told me that he only smoked crack by accident once
I forgot wine drunk hurts
Pretty sure this radio station is run by a cult. Good thing it's in Spanish, can't brainwash someone who can't understand you.
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