I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
I knew my chances of getting laid had increased after she walked into my room and yelled "DICK TIME"
I was just about to send a concerned text until I opened my door and saw a shopping cart. I'm glad you made it home in one piece and with toys.
He told me he was in a Proactive commercial. It didn't seem to work for him but he was buying me shots so I slept with him anyways.
Is 9am too early to be eating a mozzarella stick I found in my purse? Yeah didnt think so. The fact that it tastes like vomit is concerning but not importanta.
Well it's 2pm. Time for another game of "Who, What, Where". The game where you try to guess who this girl is, what happened last night, and where'd your shit go. I'm going for 1/3 today.
That's better than I've done so far.
He sent a video of him jacking off....class will be awkward tomorrow
We perfected the quiet ass slap during sex so his roommate wouldn't wake up.
DELETE THAT VIDEO OF ME MAKING OUT WITH THAT RUG NOW
That's pretty intense. There aren't many people I would pick over a burrito
I've never wanted anyone to have herpes as I much as I want him to right now.
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
Also mom is not happy about me telling her how much i want the women sprinters on the Olympics to beat me up
I blacked out in the cab last night... Cant remember getting in the front door, also i got into bed with my grandma.
Now all my porn is stored in my parents’ basement. It’s like a part of my soul is boxed up
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