Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
fter the third song from an iPod commercial played I realized how much that frat sucked.
he just tried to convince me that tylenol is a gateway drug
I broke his nose at the bar and he still went home with me.
Throwing up in his bed is not a step up in your relationship
It mathmatically balances. Less pants + more shirt = fully clothed. see? Not a whore!
Please come over, I'm slowly melting into a ball of sexual frustration. If I'm not dead by the end of the day be very surprised.
I forgot that places existed where drinking on Sunday is frowned upon. It's just so unreasonable.
I find it fascinating that she'd be more comfortable with her mom finding out she submits dirty disney confessions on tumblr than about her secret email account she uses to chat with dutch and brazilian strangers.
So I was putting on a condom and looked to my right to not make eye contact, she said did you just look at the American flag while putting that on. I said this one's for Team USA.
We are the best cocktail. We look appealing, taste amazing, and ruin lives.
tinder day one and i already had more guys message me about "the girl with the big tits in my second picture" than about me. MY 17 YEAR OLD SISTER CAN GET LAID WITHOUT EVEN HAVING TO MAKING A PROFILE
to be fair she does have a great rack
WHY ARE THE COPS ALWAYS AT DENNYS WHEN IMDRUNK!?
My boss just offered me a vodka mixed drink at work I do not have a real job
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