If that was your dad, he is hot
Nick just found a baggie of 3 year old shrooms in his desk drawer and downed it all with cheap white wine. I am not on vomit duty tonight.
just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
I'm babysitting my fucking roommate he took out the screen and is trying to throw dishware in our fucking pool after he repelled off our balcony
Beer vodka and pink lemonade powder mixed together. So. Many. Penises. My vagina will be calling out to them tonight. Coooooooooooooome.
Your friend who drunkenly cleaned the kitchen just wished the class a Happy National Tutu Day. While wearing a tutu. Make a move or I'm gonna marry her.
I've given up for the day already. I just wanna eat cheesecake and hide from her.
I'm seeing how long I can hold this wine in my mouth. I have so many adventures! I'm like Teddy Ruxpin!
Hon, I found you crying into a bathrobe in the back of a closet with a broken shoerack.
Who wouldn't want a man who can knock a guy out but also loves the bachelor.
It's the best of both worlds
He left in the middle of the night, he left his shoes behind and stole my doc martens..size 6 female. Wtf?
No foreplay. Missionary. Too quick. And he owns a fedora.
I almost fell asleep reading that.
I almost fell asleep fucking it.
Like 50% of me thinks it'll be weird, 25% of me is curious & 25% of me is horny
I have fence marks all over my body
so like
i may have gotten a little bit of blood in the charging port of my phone
Randomize
