He's so far in the closet he's in Narnia
What are you wearing to our high school reunion?
I don't know, What kind of dress says "I feel sorry for you people?"
We left around 4 AM after the stripper showed no mercy and dropped into a split on Matt's nose. Massive nosebleed.
all they had in the fridge was rum and filled water balloons
Not sure if jager bombs can cure tuberculosis, but its a theory im testing as we speak
I wonder if they'd let me siphon the gas out my car before they impound it
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
i thought you were just a really comfy body pillow until i sobered up. oops.
In local news "Man Stabbed With Golf Club" next person who tells me this is a safe place to live gets punched...
The cops wrote boobs in the police report. ...vandalism is our calling
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
Taking body shots off hot Camren. Get here now.
I am drunkenly riding a razor scooter up and down the hills of Cincinnati
What in the fuck are you doing with your life
You know, normal sex stuff involves shitting your pants. If you do it right.
Intelligence report: the hot sister called you gross, the sweet sister says you're dumb, and the smart sister says all the other men she knows would have to die for her to hook up with you.
Randomize
