best thing about halloween? there are pumpkins to puke in EVERYWHERE!
when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
It was unlikely that the relationship was going to end with anything other than antibiotics.
these marshmallows taste like mayonnaise. like playing tetris on a gameboy, that's what these marshmallows mean.
Just had a random flashback of you tickling some guy's nipple with your claw ring, and then him moaning and stripping in the middle of the bar. You give good memories.
I just blurted out "it's pretty tight isn't it"
Neighbor who got arrested at 3am just said he'd split the $ with me if I testify as the witness in his police brutality trial. He was also holding a baby and a case of beer.
She told me to act like the hulk during sex. Shit got 9 different shades of weird
I'm going to go out on a limb and say last night was a success, also the neighbors are counting down the days until we move out.
I'm dealing with this like an adult, cupcakes and beer.
You're fucking beautiful as shit and we should have loving sex...
She's like the King Midas of sexual confusion. Everything she touches turns to gay.
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
He screamed, "Let there be light!" when he came
Don't get yourself off tomorrow. We. Are. Having. Sex. That's that. Just dont do it.
Randomize
