Remember that time i walked in on your friend taking a huge shit?
Remember that time you hooked up with him?
just so you know, the whole club saw your tits last night. and booed.
I want to give my boyfriend great head for his birthday...can i practice on you?
I knew it was different as soon as you told me you slept with him and didn't tell me about his dick
White grape blunt wraps are like the equivalent of a glass of wine in a tux.
Is it possible to just pretend that everything we did after grilling up your goldfish didn't happen?
Someone want to explain the bottle of ranch I found in my pants
He told me he deactivated his facebook because his girlfriend caught him wackin it to my profile picture.
10 points to you
Time is so short and I miss you. (I just watched that commercial where the people all laugh and get older and die.)
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
I have to pee in a cup in the morning and they are going to say....you just peed a miller light. I'm going to hang my head in shame and say yes...yes I did.
I came in shy and timid. By the end of the night I hulked out broke two lamps, their coffee table, some plates, and still had sex.
I had my room mate call my phone after last night and it was in an uncooked quesadilla
Seriously. Are we going out tonight? If we're not, I'm going to put on sweatpants and do drugs.
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
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