I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
I wasn't fucked. I was just drunk, because i was still able to walk into the woods and masterbate.
the taste of these tagalongs is totally worth boning that creepy troop leader chick...
Im watching hello kitty on qvc debating if its a good idea to cook bagel bites on my space heater
When else am I ever going to have a chance to do lines with T-Pain?
I told her that if she blew me I would give her the empty pizza box in the fridge.... Why did she agree?
I wouldn't be surprised. You and I have basically synced up our brain chemistry by doing drugs together in the same way that two girls would sync their menstrual cycles by sharing a house.
Oh aight, and i was just going to be content with drinking, beating off and watching ninja turtles
He specifically said I couldn't post the picture of him passed out naked except for a strategically placed washcloth. Where's the fun in that?
YOU'RE MARRIED. TO OTHER PEOPLE.
You showed up at my front door in a bikini with a fifth of tequila it was like the opening to a porno
There needs to be a greeting card for "I miss having sex and smoking weed with you."
I wrote a list of things I enjoy doing. So far it says "get high and go to museums."
I hate when my Bumble matches make it hard for me to stalk them.
also, my mom just called to make sure the dick tattoo on your arm was fake..
Randomize
