if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
I walked in on him cutting a hole in the condom.
I have an asthmatic alcoholic for a roommate. That can't be safe.
he was drinking cheap vodka with warm tap water and a packet of crystal light. if that's not an alcoholic then idk what is
All I remember is that the bartender wouldn't give me scissors cuz I was too drunk
I told him I had to grab my Swedish fish from the car before they froze. Then I just left. But the fact that he knew how important it was not to have my fish freeze almost made me come back in....almost.
I want to get my vag crammed with complete loss of every bit of dignity I have left by this man from every angle on every flat surface that exists. That is all.
Dude. I'm busy doing PR for America. FOR AMERICA. Europeans think we can't handle liquor.
If your find a 12 pack on your doorstep consider it a gentleman's agreement to never speak of that night again
I just accepted my offer to work as a camp counselor over the phone between shots of Fireball. This is going well for me so far.
I've come to realize that I need a break from life when I just tried to use my address numbers as the cook time on the microwave
You should feel special! You're also the only person I've ever punched during sex
I have peed in a lot of sinks
I think the heterosexuals across the hall are negotiating about breeding. How do I figure out which one is against it and back them up?
There is no way entering a gas station bathroom memorializing an alien abduction in rural New Hampshire is a good idea.
Randomize
