Better skin, bigger boobs.. Birth control is INCREASING my chance of getting pregnant because people actually want to have sex with me now.
the best sex is "duke just lost" sex.
There are at least 3.6 billion human cocks in this world. Get some. Get as many as humanly possible. Literally. Do it. 1-2-3 go!
I knew my sign language would come in handy. I just used sign to coordinate a coke deal.
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
Well sundance is in town and Im going to use my one and only shot to bang Taylor swift... Does it count as a random if shes famous?
Definitely worth waiting her kid to got to sleep when the first thing you hear once she's back is "I want you in my ass right now"
I like making it seem like it's at least a little bit difficult to hook up with me
I will no longer accept nudes from you because I met your boyfriend last night and he seems like a nice guy
My mom has had 5 shots of fireball today and she's still functioning normally... She's just extra polite.
You drunkenly said something along the lines of "move forever" to the lady standing in your way. Needless to say you had too many mimosas at breakfast.
And one groomsman rode a suitcase cart like a skateboard until he crashed and took out a piece of sheet rock. Later he pulled out his nuts.
Just showed my drunk fiancé where I got circumcised, she's been crying for twenty minutes.
You know that if they offer you a bagel they are determined to sleep with you, right?
She's in it for that fear factor ya'll. Obsession and stalking or nothing.
Randomize
